By which I mean the “fear of becoming a parent.”
That fear I’ve mentioned here and there?
It’s sort of…gone.
Not completely; it still nibbles around the edges every so often…but that sense of helplessness that comes from Not Knowing is getting less and less with every passing day. I still don’t know how we’ll be able to pay for everything we want to be able to pay for, or whether our apartment will have enough space for all these living creatures, or how, exactly, you keep babies happy and entertained all day long, or whether I should buy one stupid stroller instead of another, but a lot of that initial confusion and nervousness stemmed from the sheer enormity of what was unknown.
And while there are still uncountable numbers of things that I don’t know, now there are some that I do.
The thing is, it took awhile before I felt like this was real, before I could think of the baby as anything more than an abstract future development; some foreign presence that would just arrive in our lives one day and turn everything upside-down. I knew I would adore him, but that was mostly because I knew that that’s just how it works. I looked forward to all that crazy, out-of-control love that you hear about from new mothers, but didn’t really understand how it grew or where it would come from.
But now I’m starting to get it, more and more every day. He kicks me, and I know he’s a “he.” I (think) I know his name. I know he’s the size of a mango. I know what his nose looks like, and I know what time of day he gets all rambunctious (11PM, like his dad). And I keep picturing little arms. Eyelashes. Tiny wisps of hair, and a smile.
Before, I kept saying, “Oh, no rush on getting done with the pregnancy part…I need all the time I can get to prepare. ”
But now?
Now???
I cannot wait to meet him.
Because here’s one more thing I know:
I’m going to think that he is so cool.
