Q. Hi Jordan,
I’m a longtime reader and have always admired your perspective on life and relationships. I’m dealing with some tricky stuff right now, and would love to hear any advice you might have.
My boyfriend and I have been dating 5 months. [Early on in the relationship we cheated on each other], and then agreed that we both wanted to be monogamous.
One month ago, my mom committed suicide. My boyfriend was my main support in the aftermath of that. About a week ago, he told me he had cheated on me twice – a week after my mom died and a couple weeks later again. To make matters more complicated, the other girl is his manager [at his place of employment]. She has known about me for a long time and even knew about my mom’s death.
When he confessed, he was remorseful and crying. He offered to quit his job. He wants to stay together and says he loves me. Prior to this, we talked about moving in together, getting a dog, and one day getting married and having kids together. I have told him I am willing to give him one more chance (because I love him, but also partially because I think I’m scared I would fall apart losing another person I love), but only provided he takes actions to show that he understands the weight of the situation.
I asked him if he would try to set up a time for me to talk to the girl he cheated with, so I can maybe get more insight on the situation. It is the one thing I can think of that might be healing for everyone involved in this terrible situation. I obviously also blame him and forsee a huge amount of work on our relationship before I am able to trust him again.
Am I crazy to want to approach her? And the harder question, am I crazy if I choose to stay with my boyfriend?
Thank you and all the best,
Anonymous*
A. Let me start by saying that this question is enormously complex, and heartbreaking, and seems to me to go far beyond the matter of whether or not to confront your boyfriend’s coworker, or even whether or not to stay with your boyfriend. It’s a question of how much anger and sadness and confusion one person can take on in a short period of time, and how many directions all those feelings can go in.
Sometimes it’s just a fact that the amount of emotional space that one has is finite, and that some things simply have to be put aside for the moment and returned to later, whether because they’re not the most pressing issue at that particular minute, or because they’re too painful to pull up and look straight in the eyes until a little more time has passed.
Sometimes certain things need to wait until later – until you’re ready – to be unpacked and examined and released.
I am no expert on this topic, and I would strongly encourage you to consult with a grief counselor if you’re not already, but because you wrote to me I want very, very much to give you whatever words of support I can. What I do know is that loss – especially the kind of shocking and sudden loss you’re dealing with right now – is its own monster; it’s like nothing else in the world, and it can feel unmanageable and impossible, like you need someone to pick you up and put you back in the past, because the present can’t be lived in for one more minute.
What I’ve learned from watching people close to me deal with losses like this is that the ways in which people handle them are so wide-ranging and so unexpected – so strange, sometimes, even to the people themselves – that you can’t fault yourself for what you do while finding your way into what comes later. You have to forgive yourself the missteps, because sometimes the missteps have to be made – and then later you realize they weren’t missteps at all; they were just changes in direction that brought you to where you needed to be.
If what you need to do is be with your boyfriend right now, in this moment – even if that might not be the “right” thing for you in the long-term – I think that’s okay. If you want to talk to his coworker, I think that’s okay too. Do what you have to do for yourself right now, while also being honest with yourself that the “later” – the time when you may have to make difficult choices – can’t be pushed aside forever. And also remember to be gentle with yourself, and to allow yourself time to handle things in the way that feels best to you without veering towards self-destructive patterns.
Which brings me to this. And I have to say this, because you asked for my opinion: during a time when you are dealing with losing someone very close to you, I can’t help but feel that it’s problematic to seek support from a person who has not been able to show that support consistently in the past. I have experience with relationships involving cheating, and my honest opinion, for what it’s worth, is that cheating is a pattern. I’m angry at your boyfriend for placing additional stress on you at this time in your life. I think that he failed you in a way that speaks to something that you may want to walk away from, whether right this moment or later on, when you find your footing.
When it comes to confronting your boyfriend’s coworker, my answer is similar to the answer I gave this reader when she asked whether she should get in touch with her ex: picture the conversation in your mind. Picture exactly what you hope to hear this woman say, and what she could say that would make you feel better. And then be honest with yourself about the likelihood that those words are what you’re going to hear.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t talk to her – I’m saying that you should think about what you are hoping to get from the conversation…and then, if you still want to have it, you should go into it secure in the knowledge that your sense of closure will not depend on having her say any one particular thing.
The closure – the peace – that you’re looking for is already waiting there in you, and it’s you who will reach down and find it; no boyfriend or girl or other girl is going to take your hand and lead you there. I’m certain of that.
I understand your impulse to reach out, by the way; when I discovered my boyfriend’s infidelities, I tried to figure out “why” someone I loved could do such a thing, and I came up with excuses on his behalf (he’s overwhelmed, he’s angry with me, he’s human). At one point I even – yes – contacted the “other women” in the situation in search of better answers, answers that would tell me whether I’d wasted my time with him, whether I was stupid, whether I’d ever been loved at all. One of the times it helped a little because the woman and I were both upset and able to commiserate, other times it made things hurt even more or just told me what I already knew.
But what I discovered at the end of it all was that the “why” didn’t matter; what was important was me.
What’s important is you.
You are what matters here. Your boyfriend may certainly grow and change over time, but if he’s not making you feel stronger and healthier during a time when you need it the most, he’s not deserving of the opportunity to stand at your side.
Without knowing you or your boyfriend or any of the other people involved in this situation, it’s difficult for me to tell you what I think you should or should not do, but my sense is that you know what to do already; you just can’t wrap your mind around doing it at this particular moment in your life. And that is okay. You are going to handle this period in your life however you handle it, and what’s most important is that you take time to heal and seek out the company of those who care for you. Those people exist, and they are the ones who will help you find your way towards the closure that ultimately you’ll find on your own, in your own way.
Finally, I’d like to recommend two books to you: Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, and The Year Of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion.
Be well, and stay in touch.
Love,
J
*Question excerpted and reprinted with reader permission.
