DIARY

Reader Question: Introducing A New Partner to the Kids

I wrote this post with one hand 😉

Q. Any tips on introducing children to your new partner? I have never done it and I’m in a serious relationship after six years separated/divorced. My kids have never met anyone I’ve dated. It’s kind of a big deal. Any thoughts on how to do this the right way? My kids are 7 and 10, and his are 12, 15 and 18.

I love this question, because it’s (obviously) one I’ve struggled with considerably over the years. And were Mistakes Made? Oh yes, my friend. Yes.

Let’s take it back to the beginning. 

My first boyfriend post-divorce shall be called The Boyfriend Who Broke My Daughter’s Neck, because that’s what my child referred to him as when she told this story to my ex-husband the day after she met Mom’s New Boyfriend. It’s also what she has referred to him as during the many, many retellings of this story over the years (to total strangers? Oh yes). 

(It’s not relevant, but I’m aware the broken neck requires an explanation. He did not break her neck. She bounced off his leg through no fault of his and sprained her neck on the couch. It was terrifying. She was fine. She needs to stop telling people this story.) 

Anyway, I introduced this boyfriend to the kids relatively soon mostly because I trusted his advice: He was and is a good man, with solid values and healthy relationships with his kids and ex, and he had far more experience dating and kid-introducing than me. Basically, what he said was this: “You are a sane person.* I am a sane person. Even if we break up, we can and will behave sanely, and the kids will be fine.”

*Eh. But I’ll take it.

Guess what? We broke up. And it wasn’t just sane, it was – as promised – completely fine. Not only that, but the kids (and I) got to see what it was like when two people decide they’re not romantically compatible, but are still able to treat each other with care and respect.

The second man I dated was the aforementioned Mistake (not the only one, but woof, a biggie). The amount of chaos that this particular gentleman brought into my life was tsunami-level, and I thankfully didn’t introduce the kids to him before he went ahead and became the actual worst, but that wasn’t my mistake: My mistake was lying. 

See, my son – who was seven at the time – saw me text messaging and smiling, and because he is wildly perceptive the first words out of his mouth were “Do you have a boyfriend?” I said that I didn’t. He pressed the issue. Eventually – because, again, I was really just improv-ing at this point – I admitted that I was seeing someone, and that was that: He didn’t trust me around the topic of dating for a good long while. If I went out to dinner with a friend, he didn’t know whether it was a friend-friend or a friend-friend. And that was really hard for him. 

But here’s what I did next: I apologized. I explained to him why I hadn’t told him the truth: Because when adults are dating, sometimes they go on dates just once or twice with a whole bunch of people, and that’s both the adult’s personal business and also not something that kids need to stress out about (“will this be my new daddy?!?!” etc). I told him that I wouldn’t lie to him again, but that I also wasn’t going to talk about my dating life until there was something he needed to know. 

And at that point, I promised, I would tell him. I’ve stuck with that ever since.

Over the next couple of years my kids met two other people, not because I was super-serious about them, but rather because I (accurately) believed them to be good, stable people who would model positive interactions for my kids. To this day, both men are in all three of our lives, and one of them is one of my BFFs. He plays video games with my son, and buys my daughter’s slimes as gifts. It is wonderful, and something I’m very, very proud of: That the kids are getting to see different types of adult relationships, and are learning that they’re allowed to evolve without necessarily de-volving. 

This is a long and meandering post, but I’ve been dying to talk about this stuff – and I honestly didn’t feel safe enough talking about dating when I was still actually doing it, if that makes sense. 

I’m seeing someone new now, and it’s serious. (I’m sure I’ll talk about this more later because I am so happy I literally cannot drop the subject – apologies to everyone in my text messages – but let’s stay on topic for now.) I told them about him early on, because he is so good for us and so healthy for them and because I promised them that when they needed information, I would give it to them. 

Want to know how we arranged the meeting? We had a party, and he came with his four-year-old son. (I know. I’m a dive-right-in kinda gal.) My ex was there, too; they got along famously, as I knew they would. My son ran around with a pack of friends, so all the pressure to Have A Chat was off, which was what he needed. My daughter immediately became the four-year-old’s babysitter and bestie. 

They like him a lot. They’re genuinely happy I’m happy. But – this is important – even though it’d be easier for me to just sail on with things, I’m still checking in with them every so often to make sure they know that they are allowed to be annoyed, or overwhelmed, or even sad about all these new changes. They’re allowed to have questions, and they don’t have to be afraid to ask them. 

TL;DR: You – and only you – know what your kids need. Mine needed honesty; perhaps yours need time. But perhaps not! Talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Listen to their concerns. And also: Throw a party, because you deserve one. 

I’m so happy for you, my friend. Much love to you and your growing blended (!) family.

x

J

powered by chloédigital