From reader Rebecca:
Q. Dear Jordan,
Since I’m so new to the concept of entertaining, I wanted to get your opinion on dinner party etiquette: Am I unreasonable to feel annoyed by (close) friends that show up empty handed and don’t offer to help clear/do dishes? Or am I, as the host, expected to cover such things?
Last night, one of my girlfriends just stared at me sipping wine while my boyfriend and I cleaned (it was late and everyone had left, so it wasn’t as though I was neglecting guests). I would never do this! What do you think?
A. Okay…confession time: I was guilty of this very offense just the other night, when I had dinner at Francesca’s. Kendrick and I were running late, and we meant to stop at a wine shop on the way, but there was none between the subway station and Francesca’s apartment, and so we ended up just picking up a couple of things Francesca had requested at a deli and heading over. And then, after dinner, we brought the dishes inside and I went to the bathroom, and within about thirty seconds Francesca and her brother had loaded the dishwasher and straightened the kitchen, and I had helped exactly not at all. I apologized, of course (and will obviously be handling either the cooking/cleanup or the restaurant tab next time we hang out), but didn’t feel all that horrible about it.
Here’s why:
– I’ve known Francesca for years – we even lived together for awhile in Los Angeles – and she’s basically family, which means rules of decorum can, on occasion, fall to the wayside.
– Overall, Francesca and I have a very “even” relationship (she pays for lunch today, I spring for drinks during happy hour next week, and we rarely discuss it one way or another), and have never had any kind of finance-related resentment issues arise over the course of our friendship.
– The kind of laxity I displayed the other night isn’t a pattern, or in any way indicative of a larger issue (one or the other of us taking advantage of our friendship, etc).
So what I’m saying is that your friend’s actions are understandable if your relationship is generally very equitable and very close, and if she’s usually extremely considerate and you suspect that she was just having an “off” night. Otherwise, I’d say no, it’s never OK to show up empty-handed to someone’s house and then let them feed you and wait on you hand and foot. Unfortunately, saying anything to her also toes the line of rudeness – you can’t demand that your guests bring gifts/help you out, even though they absolutely should. Next time, try making a few gentle suggestions and seeing if she gets the hint (something along the lines of, “Hey, would you mind picking up some white wine on your way over? I only have red” or “Could you dry off this dish for me?”); maybe she’s just spacey about these things. If she pulls a repeat performance, though, I’d say in the future choose restaurants over at-home dinners…and don’t you dare be the first one to slap down your credit card, lest she take it for an offer of treating.
