When the power goes out on the East Coast, everybody rolls their eyes and gets Chinese takeout and goes out to a bar or to bed. When the power goes out on the West Coast, there is widespread panic and people floating down streets in duck rafts. Having been suddenly detached from social media and television and PerezHilton.com, Los Angelenos sit paralyzed in the center of their darkened living room floors, asking themselves life’s greatest question:
…What do I do now?
Last night, as you know if you follow me on Snapchat or IG stories, our power went out, along with the power of…ohhhhh….everybody in LA, apparently.
And we had no idea what to do. We were like tiny little internet-deprived lambs set free in a shadowy and treacherous jungle, with not even a blondie for sustenance because we couldn’t get the stove to light without potentially blowing ourselves up.
Me, as a forlorn bunny adrift in a WiFi-free shadowscape
Here, in rough chronological order, is what we did in between the hours of five P.M. and 10 P.M. (when I finally convinced my child to go to sleep).
- Decide to bake.
- Realize that oven does not work.
- Google “how to light natural gas oven by hand.”
- Tape matches to the end of wooden spoon so as not to have to stick our heads actually in the oven.
- Fail at all of this, and abandon the baking idea.
- Color by the light of our slowly-dying iPhones.
- Stare at each other.
- Consider going out.
- Decide to stay in.
- …But should we go out?
- We have no more beer.
- Make a run to the extremely creepy liquor store/deli across the street and secure snacks, including a tiny tube of Pringles (because they only had one), fruit chews, and lollipops. And beer.
- Have conversation about whether it’s worth draining power from our computers to charge our phones (yes).
- Worry about our computers dying.
- Wonder whether we have enough computer power left to watch Jackie.
- Wonder whether we can have a drone deliver a “battery charger pack” (Francesca’s words) for our computers.
- Call Francesca’s boyfriend to determine whether drones can deliver battery charger packs.
- Learn that this service does not, in fact, exist.
- Be sad. Abandon movie idea.
- Remember that Snapchat exists.
- Snapchat. A lot.
- Give up and go to bed.
…And that was our night. Exciting times over here in casa Vannucci.
