I wrote the below comment (it’s been lightly edited for clarity’s sake) in response to this comment thread, left below this post.
Hey there –
First, Donna: where have we met? Thank you for saying such nice things about me based on our encounter, and I’m sorry if you feel that I’ve let you down. And thank you also, Jane, because I do appreciate it so much when my readers speak up on my behalf – because Jesus, is it ever weird to bear witness to, let alone participate in, an analysis of your own worth.
Now, about this post: I understand what Donna is saying, and I’ve heard this kind of thing in the past, but I think the infantilization argument has more to do with constructs of femininity and their stereotypical implications than with anything I do personally. For example, I sometimes wear pigtails because I think they suit my face and because I like them, not because I want to cultivate a Lolita-esque air or appear childlike/unintelligent. Or maybe I find something about the laissez-faire, carefree implications of pigtails deeply sexy. So? If pigtails are what turns me (and my husband) on…who cares? When I start ordering women worldwide to tie pink ribbons in their braids and wear tulle skirts around town so that the menfolk will run after them with clubs at the ready, we’ll talk.
Look: when I wrote this post and put up this fairly ridiculous video, I knew that someone would say this, or something like this. Of course I did. If I put up a video in which I analyze my propensity towards self-injury from a cog neuro/women’s studies perspective (I majored in the former and minored in the latter), someone will still find fault with it. “Interesting” is such a subjective idea that it’s completely useless for me to try to create content that everyone, everywhere will consider valuable…although in my opinion a story about a motorcycle accident in Canada is pretty subjectively interesting, and arguably the polar opposite of anti-feminist “aw-shucks”.
When I put up something as intimate as this video and this story, I know what’s coming. And I do it anyway because I love you guys and I want to share things with you the same way I want to share things – both good and bad – with Kendrick, with my best friends, with my parents. I know this video is silly – it’s just me and my husband, hanging out at home late at night and being sort of ridiculous – and I posted it purely for fun, because I love being personal with you, open with you. I have only a handful of friends I feel safe fucking up in front of – acting stupid, acting fallible, acting like myself in front of – and…I wish I could feel safe fucking up in front of you. All of you. And of course I can’t – of course the Internet is inherently an unsafe space…but that’s just how it is, good with bad, etc.
In sum: this is just who I am. I’m a Harvard grad who’s pretty smart, but who says and does dumb things constantly, and who can make a decent lasagna, but who also can’t pick up a knife without slicing open a finger. I do an absurd number of these posts because I do stuff like this an absurd amount of the time. Which sucks for me, and which I also think is hysterical…because sometimes when you’re bleeding all over your potatoes (again), the best thing you can do is have a sense of humor about it.
And I used to think that I was a failure because I was utterly incapable of being anything close to perfect, but lately I think I’m just fine. I do not have low self-esteem, although I used to – and the fact that I can show these silly moments speaks to a peace with myself that I didn’t always have. In part, it’s because of you guys that I feel this peace. That’s the simple truth.
Thank you – all of you – for reading.
Love
J
