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Makeup & Beauty

The Massive Hairball

December 4, 2017

Both times that I have been With Child, I have gotten anonymous emails and comments that let me know that I'M NOT FOOLING ANYONE WHY AM I NOT ADMITTING THAT THOSE ARE EXTENSIONS YOU'RE SUCH A LIARRRRRR.

(I've never had extensions before. I just had really good hair when I was pregnant. I am so sad that this appears to be a pregnancy-specific situation.)

(Oh wait - I sort of had extensions. Not real ones; clip-in ones that I used to wear when I went to places like bars circa 2009, and that frequently ended up in my purse by the end of the evening, perhaps most notably on the night when Kendrick and I first kissed and he started to run his hands through my hair and I was all Ummmmm ONE SECOND PLEASE, and ran to the bathroom, whereupon I unclipped my fake hair and stuffed it into my bag.)

Lifestyle

Just Go Buy This Jacket OK?

December 1, 2017

This one.

I went to the mall the other day for a very specific reason: to get a new prescription from Lenscrafters, because I feel like my eyes are becoming increasingly decrepit and it's time for new glasses.

I was NOT there to shop. I am 99% done with my Christmas shopping because that is literally the one thing in my life that I am always spectacularly on top of, and I am broke from house renovations, and besides: actually shopping in shopping malls gives me a headache (I prefer to visit them for the purpose of sitting in a dark room for a couple of hours with the biggest bucket of popcorn possible). And I REALLY was not there to shop at Hollister, because Hollister stores make me feel old (whyyyyyyyy must the music be so loud?).

Lifestyle

All I Do Is Win, Win, Win, Win, Win

December 1, 2017

At some point, I think it is crucial that we recognize the limits of our parenting, embrace them, and act accordingly.

One way to do this: by opening the refrigerator, observing the vast quantity of potential dinner ingredients therein...and then shutting the door, turning on the oven, and making pizza (and calling the tomato sauce on top of it a vegetable because CLEARLY it is, and also everybody loves pizza and so nobody fights about what’s for dinner and for a single glorious moment, life is calm).

(Also please go ahead and serve that pizza on paper plates because kids do not appreciate pretty dishes and also do not wash them unless they are of sink-reaching height and more amenable to the concept of chores than oh, say, my children.)

Lifestyle

Gift Ideas For White Elephant Parties

November 30, 2017

OK, last gift guide, promise. (This one was too much fun.)

I went to my very first White Elephant party two Christmases ago. I had no idea what a White Elephant party even was, and when the hostess explained that everyone brings a (usually semi-weird or offbeat) wrapped gift to contribute to a common pool, and then you all take turns selecting (and stealing) each other's gift, I was all "okayyyyy...I guess I'll bring a...selfie stick?" <facepalm>

Do not bring a selfie stick. A selfie stick is the actual lamest thing that you can bring to a White Elephant party. The below ideas are better.

Lifestyle

Gift Ideas For Impossible-To-Shop-For People

November 29, 2017

...Unless there's a mansion in that box I'm not sure what you expect me to do with it.

OK, so I admit it: I have, from time to time, been told that this is the category into which I fall. What can I say? I have extremely specific tastes. (You could also call them "annoying"; that would be valid, as well.)

If there's someone like me on your list, here's my suggestion: steer away from clothing, perfume, jewelry (unless it's from catbird; everybody likes the jewelry from catbird), and anything that requires you to communicate an understanding of their personal style, because what will happen is you will not do it right. (Picky people are the worst.)

Decor

Current Obsession: Hearth & Hand with Magnolia (#NotAnAd)

November 28, 2017

Give me all the sweetly rustic gorgeousness.

The other day, I stopped into Target to buy a pair of ballet tights for my daughter, and then accidentally spent three hundred dollars.

(This happens literally - LITERALLY - every single time I "just run into Target real quick, just for one thing," and by now I should know better, but apparently I do not.) This time, the culprit was a new line called "Hearth & Hand with Magnolia" (created in collaboration with the Fixer-Upper couple), but you know what? In this case I am A-OK with having been ambushed by galvanized metal and faux reclaimed wood, because the inside of my house is now as festive and adorable as the outside, and I sort of feel like a superhero for having picked up pieces this good for prices this ridiculously low. (I'm also aware that I'm a huge sucker; no need to remind me of the The Man's scheming ways.)

Ideas (And Some Advice)

Gift Ideas For Kids (That’ll Make All Of You Happy)

November 26, 2017

Here's what's tricky about getting a gift for a kid, whether your own or someone else's: You want them to like it, obviously, but you also don't want to feel deep shame for having unwillingly acquiesced to the machinations of The Man and purchased yet another wholly expendable piece of crap with the words "death blaster" in the name.

These are pretty great, non-shame-inducing picks, IMO. (And I think your kids will love them.)

Lifestyle

How To Successfully Manipulate Your Children Into Taking An Adorable Holiday Photo

November 24, 2017

Do not be deceived by appearances; this child is searching for candy in his mom's hair.

I'm sorry, did I say "manipulate" children into taking an adorable holiday photo? I meant "convince."

Cajole?

Bribe with treats and the promise of being allowed to make gross sounds and not get in trouble?

(Whatever works.)

Anxiety

The Big Activity Book…For Anxious People

November 23, 2017

Thankful for a lot of things this year, including the fact that I didn't actually die from the stomach flu yesterday, despite appearances, and the fact that deathly illnesses are apparently a lot more fun when they involve a purring kitten on your chest. But one of the things I'm most thankful for of all is the chance to write books, and to see them on shelves; it's a dream come true to get to call myself an author, and - for my most recent project, and the next one - to get to work alongside such a searingly funny, talented partner.

So: coming up in Spring 2019...The Big Activity Book For Anxious People, by Erin and me. (Never before have there been two people more perfectly suited to tackle this subject matter.)

To kick off the whole process (and to celebrate a bit), Erin and I thought we'd do something a little different. If you make a donation to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you'll be entered in a drawing to have the image of your choice (you, your best friend, your dog, a baked potato, whatever) drawn into the pages of the new book. Oh, and if you donate $100, you automatically get your image included somewhere in there. Support great cause --> be in awesome book. What's to to love?!

Decor

The Christmas House

November 22, 2017

Give me all the Christmas things

I have never been a big Christmas decorator. But that’s not because I don’t want to be - oh my gosh, I would very seriously like to have my house look like a Christmas explosion, please - it’s because I never really had the space or the materials. When you grow up in a two-bedroom apartment in New York City, there’s not a ton of square footage to allow for high-volume decorating, and if you want to get all festive on the exterior of your place, what that means is stringing some lights from your fire escape.

Which is cool! But…you know. Definitely not the same as being a member of the McCallister family.

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