So Jordan asked me to put together a video game guide for her site. Now, why should you take my advice rather than going to Metacritic or IGN or Gamespot?
You shouldn’t. If you’ve even heard of these sites, you don’t need me.
But if the last thing you remember about video games is not being able to beat the quicksand level in Mario Brothers 3…you’re in for it. (Up there, that’s Jordan discovering the joys of MarioKart for the very first time, back in 2009. It was an epic evening.)
60% of people play video games each month. That’s more people than go to the movies. And that doesn’t mean that 60% of the population are Mountain Dew-swilling, desensitized, computer savant tweens. It means that you can pick up a video game even if you haven’t played one in, well, ever, and it’ll take care of you like you’re a VIP.
Remember that Game Over screen from Duck Hunt that made you tear up with frustration and disappointment? Doesn’t really happen anymore. You usually have infinite lives, and you can always save your progress. Games have tutorials and difficulty settings you can adjust. In short, today’s games want to make you feel awesome no matter who you are. You want to fly? You can fly. You want to govern a civilization? Done. Survive the apocalypse? Wish granted.
Games today have scripts by Hollywood writers, characters are voiced by A-list actors, and you get to be the star, all in HD and surround sound. So the only question is: who do you want to be today?
007: Goldeneye: Reloaded: This is a “remake” of the game that dropped my college GPA half a point. And “reloaded” means it’s available on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 (which are like HBO and Showtime to to the Wii’s Disney Channel). This is like the girl you had a crush on in 6th grade and were too shy to pass her a letter, and she just showed up at your party all grown up in a little black dress. And she’s Daniel Craig.
Go ahead, make up for lost time.
Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: You fight dragons. You can be an elf. You can smelt your own armor. And it’s one of the best role-playing games ever (like, magic and orcs and stuff, not pizza deliverymen and policemen). It’s ok to be dorky nowadays, ’cause nowadays dorks can fight dragons. Seriously. Dragons. Tell me you don’t want to fight a dragon.
Uncharted 3: This is the closest you’re going to get to being Indiana Jones unless you’re Shia LeBoeuf. It’s like Raiders of the Lost Ark on steroids and ecstasy. And you’re Harrison Ford.
Be Harrison Ford.
The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. The people in the marketplace whisper that this might be The Best Zelda Game Ever, the one true hero that will fulfill the Wii’s destiny after those long, cold months it spent in the closet after you sprained your shoulder playing Wii Sports (Jordan interjection: this actually happens; I spent a week in a sling after an enthusiastic evening of Wii Bowling).
Go on, you know you hum the theme song when no one’s around. It’s calling to you now:
Bum Bum. Duh duhduhduhduh daaaaaaa, dah dah dah daaaaaaah, da da da dum, dumdum…
Batman: Arkham Asylum. You get to be Batman. That’s it. It’s called the best comic book game of all time, the best licensed game of all time, contender for Game of the Year, yadayadayada…
But you get to be Batman. And you want to be Batman. Unless you want to be Catwoman.
Oh yeah, and you get to be Catwoman, too.
Click here for Kendrick’s 2010 Video Game Guide, and here for his Guide to Graphic Novels. <
