Alright, the itinerary has been finalized.
We started out all "let's go to New Orleans! Let's go to Montana! Let's see EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD!" And then plugged all our dream destinations into a road trip planner and realized that those little "detours" that are only an inch or so long on the map amount to eight hundred extra hours in a car with two small children. And our kids are good in cars, but no kids are eight hundred hours of good in cars.
Fair enough: straight across America it is. We hit most of our must-sees that way anyway.