So what's this all about?
I don't talk a lot about what Kendrick does on a day-to-day basis. Mostly because while RG certainly includes my family, it's not about my family.
But something - a big thing - just changed, and I (we) decided to share it both because it's going to have a big impact on our day-to-day routine for the foreseeable future...and because it's majorly on my mind. I'm excited. And nervous.
Once there was a 1. The 1 met a 2 and the 2 met a 3. Everyone thought they were weird people.
One day the 2 said, "This is not fair." The 1 said to 2, "People, you are not being fair to us." 2 said, "1 is right. We have to be what we are born to be."
There was a meeting, all the people said sorry. And the numbers lived happily ever after.
The End.
Yesterday morning, right after putting up this post, I received an email from a reader that rang so true that it had me in tears.
That's it - and that's it exactly. There have been times (long times, many times) in my life when I have felt so lost and so helpless to achieve anything close to what I felt that I was capable of achieving, and times (long times, many times) when I have felt so alone and have wanted so intensely to find love and my future family. And what is happening in my life now...it's not that I feel like I don't deserve it, exactly - I work hard, I think I'm good at the stuff that I do - but I also feel so grateful for it. I hate the word "blessed" - hate that it connotes some kind of specialness that makes you more deserving than anyone else, and that is most certainly not the case - so I'll just call how I feel "lucky". I feel so lucky right now.
And I also feel so aware every single second that it could go away.
Eight hours or so after Kendrick took this pre-ceremony photo, just so you're aware, I strongly resembled a sweaty, be-flip-flopped cavewoman, thanks to the ocean air and my penchant for bounce-dancing to Carly Rae Jepsen songs.
But at the moment you see pictured here, I felt perfectly calm. Happy. Breezy, even.
Here's the truth: lately, I've been having a little trouble getting my emotions under control. I feel silly for even saying that, considering all of the things that should make me feel not just happy, but great (family, job, home, pretty weather, caprese pasta in my refrigerator right this very moment). But even so: I can't shake the anxiety that is still - still - keeping me up at night. All night, sometimes. Even in the daytime, one second I'll be happy and rushing and doing...and then the next second it feels like there's something impossibly large sitting on my chest, making it difficult to even breathe.
Why? Maybe the answer is as simple as the fact that things are just very busy right now, and busy is both something I love to be and something that sticks in my head, taking up all the room that I might want to use for small things like "sleep" or the ability to chill out for long enough to have a non goal-oriented conversation with the man I married. I'm also scared that all that busy will go away, and then I'll be back where I used to be: adrift and not knowing what's next or how I'll get there. Rational? Maybe not. But real.
Q. Hi Jordan,
I'm a longtime reader and have always admired your perspective on life and relationships. I'm dealing with some tricky stuff right now, and would love to hear any advice you might have.
