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Posts Tagged ‘Ow’

Weekend Snapshots: I Fell Edition

Before we talk about anything else, I need to tell you that our son is now as in love with his vest as he is with his fedora. I, of course, can’t say that these developments make me anything short of thrilled.

“Please may I have my hat?”

“I’m serious. UNHAND THE HAT. Or my lip will tremble.”

“Better. Thank you.”

(Hey, I get it. Hats are awesome. Now I just have to teach him this.)

After a failed attempt at completing the look with sunglasses, we headed to brunch at Mint.

Next up: Virgil-bonding time, shooting with Wilsons Leather (more on this in a moment), and waiting for Paige to arrive to spend the night.

After dinner (Dr. Pepper Pulled Pork Fajitas), we decided to make it a Girls Night and head into town for a post-dinner drink at The Tapp.

Here’s what’s nice about hanging out with friends who’ve known you for years and years: they already know what to expect, and in the case of Paige and me that means that she expects at least one extremely embarrassing incident that a) involves a dramatic collapse and b) requires the assistance of three or more total strangers.

As an example, last time I visited Paige in LA we went out for sushi, and on my way to the bathroom I tripped over my bag-strap and did this sort of tragic windmill move that resulted in me inserting my entire hand into the soy sauce bowl of the woman sitting at the next table while simultaneously doing what amounted to a hula-dance in her face.

On Saturday night, I thought I’d go for an encore presentation.

In my defense, that was a very large step, and it was very dark.

(Just so you know, I didn’t actually wear a pink bow on top of my head, and Paige doesn’t actually sit around indoors in sunglasses. I just thought those little details would help to illustrate the point, and the point is that Paige sat there looking very chic and normal while I sailed through the air in the direction of the floor with all the grace of a blonde camel.)

Anyway, I really fell. I know this because literally half the bar surrounded me to ask if I was OK – “No, ma’am, but seriously: do you need an ice pack?” – and because two days later, I have some very attractive proof adorning a part of my body that I can’t show you.

What’s especially wonderful about this particular moment in my life is that my town is populated by approximately seven people, meaning that there is a zero percent chance that I will not run into a decent percentage of the witnesses of Saturday night’s events at some in-the-not-too-distant-future PTA meeting.



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Some Tips From Your First Lady Of Asymmetry

Q. I noticed your eyes are two different sizes. Mine are the same, so I rarely wear eye makeup as I don’t want to draw more attention to the size difference. Are there any tips you have to play this down?

A. You noticed correctly! I first realized that my eyes were two different sizes when I was thirteen and started doing a little modeling work (that’s my first headshot, above), and a photographer was all, “WHOA. You need to not smile like that.” And he taught me how to smile for photos so that one eye didn’t scrinch up into nothingness. And I did that for awhile, but then later abandoned my efforts when I realized that it was kind of weird to overthink an expression of happiness that’s theoretically supposed to be…you know…genuine.

What you’re talking about – that kind of asymmetry where one eye appears larger than the other – is very common to different degrees, and actually usually not caused by a difference in eye size, but rather by a difference in how much the lid covers each eye.

From the Washington Post:

Andrew Prince, a Manhattan ophthalmologist, says he frequently sees patients with one eye that at least appears larger than the other.

“Often it’s an illusion,” Prince explains, that occurs “when the lid, more often the upper lid, is drooping. The asymmetric appearance can make patients think ‘My eye is shrinking’ or ‘My eye is bulging.’”

Uneven eye size can be congenital — something you’re born with — or it can be related to surgery, injury or certain eye diseases, Prince says. “The most common cause is age,” he adds, noting that eyelid drooping (ptosis) often happens as we grow older.

My asymmetry, for example, is congenital…but then was exacerbated by The Great Cocktail Straw Incident Of 2010 (it’s gross; go ahead and read the post if you’re interested); the incident resulted in chronic corneal erosion and swelling that gets worse when I’m tired or dehydrated.

It’s no fun, mostly because it’s a) uncomfortable and b) part of my job involves taking bajagillions of photos and videos of…my face.

Assuming you’re not experiencing discomfort, though, here’s the thing: everyone has aspects of their appearance that they’re not thrilled with. Everyone is asymmetrical to some extent. And sure, perceived “flaws” can make us feel uncomfortable, or self-conscious…but they’re also just par for the course, and a big part of what make you all those wonderful and weird things that you are.

That said, if you still want to find ways to minimize the appearance of asymmetry (which I certainly try to do – with variable success – during photo shoots, so I hear you), there are a bunch of options you can call into action.

1. Surgical Intervention. This is not something that I would do unless you’re talking about an issue that seriously impacts your life or livelihood. I’m not entirely sure what the options (or the costs) are, but some Googling has led me to believe that it could involve having an oculoplastic surgeon remove excess skin/fat deposits. Or a simple shot of Botox, depending on the particular issue you’re having.

2. Hydration. If you notice that your eyes seem to appear more asymmetrical when you’re tired or dehydrated, it might be a swelling issue. If you have an important event coming up, try to pay extra attention to getting rest and drinking plenty of water.

3. Makeup! I know you said that you don’t like to wear lots of makeup to draw more attention to your eyes, but what I’ve found is that the following little tricks help a lot:

- Create the visual illusion of bigger eyes by starting with a base shadow in a pale pink or gold shade. Enhance the effect by lightly smudging a highlighter (I love NARS’ Soft Touch Shadow Pencil in Hollywoodland) into the inner corner of your eye.

- Balance out the shape by using liquid liner to draw a slightly thicker line on the “smaller” eye.

- Lengthening mascara (and a lash curler) can do wonders to open up the eye, creating a larger effect. I also like applying a half-strip of false lashes to the outer edges to create a dramatic effect that both minimizes asymmetry and draws the eye elsewhere (click here for a how-to).

Finally: I am sure – and I mean this from the bottom of my heart – that the asymmetry that you feel that your eyes have in no way impacts your loveliness. The human body is asymmetrical by nature, and I genuinely think that that’s for a reason: to let us know that differences on the outside are just as OK as differences on the inside, and that when it comes down to it…it’s all good.

Think about it: when you look at someone and notice what is beautiful about them, what you’re seeing is what makes them special, not what makes them “perfect”…and symmetry is nothing if not the replacement of what is extraordinary with what is regular.



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Speaking Of Exciting Canadian Food

Oh, hello!

I’m back. In the States.

And I am looking rough. I was going to break out the Photobooth because my hair situation has crossed the line straight from “bad” to “funny”…but…no.

Why so rough? Well, today’s extravaganza started around midnight last night, when our son, experiencing some cataclysmic combination of a cold and the imminent arrival of a new tooth, decided to do the sound-effects equivalent of triple-lutzes around our bedroom for a few hours. The only thing that made him feel better was if I held him and ran around like a cheerful, singing Bouncy Castle.

For hours.

And then, at 4AM (that would be approximately twenty seconds after Indy finally fell asleep), the alarm rang, and it was time to pile into freezing-cold taxis and teeny-tiny airplanes and take an international journey, all before the sun even rose.

Honestly, it wasn’t even all that dramatic (certainly not as dramatic as the travel experiences we’ve had in the past; this one, involving car accidents, explosions, and fire trucks, took the prize for me); Indy was either asleep or doing his thousand-yard-stare (basically asleep, but with an expression more reminiscent of an exhausted Angry Bird) 99% of the trip. And asleep/thousand-yard-staring = not crying = no one on the plane hates me = win.

But still.

I am grumpy.

These, discovered at the Superstore in Moncton, are making it all better.

Hot damn.

(They’re so good that they make me say things like “hot damn.” I’ve never said that before, because I don’t live in 1946.)

Also, I need a nap. Can you tell?



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When Dreams Attack

Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where Kate Capshaw is in the tunnel with all the bugs, and turns over her hand to discover, oh, I don’t know, THE SCARIEST THING EVER sitting on her palm?

I couldn’t even do an image search for it; that’s how much that scene panics me. (Recall, if you will, that I have a little thing about bugs.) I had to settle for the monkey brains moment instead.

Anyway, the Kate Capshaw Bug decided to hang out in my dream last night. I dreamed that I was in the new house, putting stuff together, when I came across it sitting in a drawer holding a screwdriver and trying to undo my efforts. It was much scarier and much less funny than it sounds, especially when it dropped the screwdriver and started chasing me, and then flew off of a high shelf to land squarely in my lap.

Next time a character from Indiana Jones decides to make an appearance in my dreams, I would like to respectfully request that a be-costumed Harrison Ford show up in place of the most horrifying creature on earth. Thx.



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Something Else I Never Wear, And Wore On Wednesday

This.

(You’ll understand what’s going on in this photo, what with the hat and all, when you see the segment.)

And, well, I don’t have many reasons to wear bathing suits generally at the moment, it being March, but what I’m talking about in particular is this retro-ish Freya suit (I wish you could see the cut better in this photo; it’s similar to this one). I love those high-waisted bottoms and fuller-coverage tops when I see them in magazines, but I always thought they would look sort of frumpy on.

Ding ding ding! Style Evolution Moment #2. (Two in one day!)

As it turns out, I felt way better with a touch more coverage than I ever have in the littler bikinis I usually gravitate towards: sexier, more elegant, and even…oh, dear…a little more age-appropriate.

Oh, and?

There was this one time that I was swimming on a beach in California with a whole bunch of people whom I really didn’t know very well – they were mostly friends-of-a-friend – and decided to try to body-surf a wave. And you know how body-surfing never really works, and you mostly just end up dog paddling frantically while the wave moseys right on by?

Well, this time it worked.

And I found myself careening towards shore on the crest of a wave – it was all much more “terrifying” than “exciting”, have to say – and was shortly thereafter deposited onto a very hard patch of sand directly in front of all those people whom I did not know very well. Oh, and then? The wave decided to just go ahead and take my string bikini back out into the ocean for safekeeping.

So I was bikini-less, in front of a really enormous lot of people (did I mention that there were a lot of people?), and doing this weird little flailing-burrowing thing while I tried to hide myself in the (inch) of water remaining on the sand after the wave washed back out.

It was not my finest moment.

Anyway, this is all to say that these events likely wouldn’t have transpired had I been wearing a slightly more reasonable swimsuit.

Like these.

Product info after the jump.

(more…)



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Broke Tusk. Am Sad.

You know that horn thing I wear all the time?

Like, all the time?

Broke it.

Sad about it.

(And no, no super-gluing…there are about a million little pieces going on up there.)

But…

but…

but…

!!!!

It’s not exactly the same – or at least it’s not the same brand, and appears to be a bit more orange than its predecessor – but it’s close enough. Unfortunately, it’s also nearly a hundred bucks, which dampens my excitement somewhat.

So I also found a couple of less expensive tusk-ish options.

Still like the coral one best.

Arrr.

Product info after the jump.

(more…)



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Last Night, Between 6PM And 8PM…

…all of these things happened:

- Bought cookies to bring to one of my best friends, who just gave birth, and left store without box.

- Returned to now-five-blocks-away store for cookies.

- Went to the wrong hospital. Twice. With a very grumpy baby who did not care one whit that he was about to meet his new BFF in tow.

- Went home.

- Cried a little (see: aforementioned grumpy baby).

- Chopped onions for dinner, put onions on stove, and promptly forgot about onions’ existence.

- Burned onions.

- Picked up pan full of burned onions with wrong side of oven mitt.

- Burned self.

- Dropped onions on floor.

- Wrangled two highly excitable dogs away from onions and into bedroom.

- Forgot to turn on flame underneath pasta.

- Required approximately six times the normal amount of time to make dinner as a consequence.

Oh, and then I was all, you know what? Tonight has really sucked. I think I’ll use one of my fancy skin-brightening pads so at least I look pretty when I wake up tomorrow.

But I couldn’t open the packaging, so I tried to peel it apart with my teeth…

And gave myself a plastic cut on my lip. Which, in case you’re wondering, is the equivalent of a paper cut, but made with plastic, and even less fun. And so I came to the conclusion that I was completely over everything, and went to bed at an embarrassingly early hour.

The only good thing that I have to say about last night is that it is not happening any more.



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