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Posts Tagged ‘Advice’

On Security, Struggle And “Settling”

Today’s question comes from one reader in particular…but I’m publishing it (with her permission) because it’s a question that I’ve received in one form or another so often, from so many of you. I’m saying this not to diminish the importance of these feelings; quite the contrary, I’m saying that I’ve felt like this, and I know it feels lonely, and I also know that if you feel like this, you are not alone.

Q. Hi Jordan,

I’m not really sure how to start an e-mail like this, even though I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now and feel like I “know” you. All I can say is that I’m at a point in my life where I’m feeling so lost and confused that for some reason I feel compelled to reach out to you, especially after your recent post recapping your engagement and whirlwind romance with your now-husband.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years, [and] we’ve built a pretty solid life together. About a year ago we started moving steadily towards engagement, and about six months ago he went an bought a ring. Knowing that the proposal was coming, something inside me snapped and I started to panic.

Something has always felt “off” in our relationship, like something was missing. What scares me is that while I love him so much and our relationship shines in so many ways, I don’t know that I could ever love him in the can’t-live-without-you [way]. I guess what scares me is the indecision of it all, wondering if I’m throwing away a really good, solid, stable relationship because I’m chasing the pipe dream of something great, something more than what I have right now. I so desperately want to feel the things for him that I don’t right now, but I’m not sure that I ever will.

I know that at the end of the day I’m the only one who really knows what it is that I’m feeling, but I guess what I’m hoping so desperately for is that you will share with me if, in your experience, that full-spectrum love exists. I know that you’ve mentioned that you were in a serious relationship in the past that ended, and when you met your husband something about it just felt right, felt different than what you had before. And I guess that’s what I need to hear right now: is that there is a difference between loving someone but still feeling empty, and finding someone who makes you feel complete.

A. This is a tough situation that you’re in. And you’re right: of course no one save for you can say for sure whether this relationship is right for you, and I don’t want to tell you what you should or should not do, but you wrote to me for honesty. And so here’s what I think.

I’ve actually been in three long-term relationships that at one point or another seemed to be headed in the direction of marriage. In one, I contemplated marrying a guy because he was great, and we were best friends, and he would have given me a “good life” and stability and all those nice things that don’t necessarily add up to true love. In the others, I came close to engagement because I felt, for one reason or another, like I had to: with one man, it was because my job and the life that I had been building felt contingent on the success of our relationship (and because I remembered how our relationship had been in the past, and always held out hope that we would return to that incredible time, though we never did), and with another man it felt like I had given up so much to be with him (the aforementioned relationship, job, and life) that to not marry him was tantamount to admitting that I had made an unspeakably enormous mistake.

Look: people choose to get married (or not) for all sorts of reasons. Happiness can be scarce enough in this world, and long as a person’s choices bring him or her joy, then that’s really great. I mean that. And there’s something to be said for prioritizing companionship in life, even if that companionship doesn’t come in the package you may have expected or hoped for. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the way your priorities lean, and it’s not the way mine do, either.

To my mind, there is no reason to marry someone other than the belief – the full, wholehearted, all-of-you certainty – that you really, really want to (I originally said “must”, but I think the key element here is desire, not destiny). That you have met someone who recognizes those parts of you that no one else in the world even sees, and whom you recognize in return. This isn’t to say that things are always blissful and dreamy – there have been times when my relationship with Kendrick has grown so rocky that we’ve both struggled with it, for sure – but there has always been the strong, steady knowledge that no matter what happens, we were made to hold each others’ hearts. There is no one on this planet who would hold mine with such care as Kendrick does; that’s just the truth.

Another truth: marriage is very, very difficult. Those people who say “relationships shouldn’t be work”? I’m always hesitant to judge others’ perspectives, because to each their own, but in this case I’m pretty prepared to say: nope, that is wrong. Relationships – especially ones that last decades – are hard. Marriage is hard. And it’s hard – often harder than you were prepared for – with the person that you are truly, deep down, meant to be with. With anyone else, it would be impossible. I believe that.

Did you ever read my post called Love And Living Rooms? In short: there is no checklist in the world that I could reference to explain why I married Kendrick. I married him not because he fulfilled some needs of mine; I married him very simply because he is him, with everything that means (and doesn’t mean).

Whole-heart, all-in love exists, but it’s not glitter and rainbows: it’s real, and it’s a struggle…and it’s all worth it. It’s not the swoony romance of those early months or years; it’s sometimes that, too…but mostly it’s much more: it’s caring for another soul the way you care for yourself, and experiencing the certainty that you are cared for in that way in return. And I would encourage you to look for that, because it’s not something that you want to miss out on. Even the hard parts: they’re so good, and so very very much the point of it all.

x

J



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March 14th, 2012 | Love | 15 Comments »

Today In Enormous Life Questions

Q. Dear Jordan,

I’m so embarrassed that this is the way I’m choosing to introduce myself to you, but hey: Desperate Times, meet Desperate Measures. It seems like most of your readers write to ask about weddings (fun!) and recipes (super fun!) and bras (kinda fun?), so my holy-shit-what-do-I-do-with-my-life email to someone I really don’t know seems kind of insane. But, Jordan? Holy shit, what do I do with my life?

I graduated from college last May with the ever-financially-rewarding degree in English and have, since then, been working in the office of the business my mom created. I’ve also applied to grad school – all Creative Writing programs that have less than 1% acceptance rates – and rekindled a terribly inconvenient relationship with my first love.

I really don’t know why I’m writing; I’m not the kind of person who contacts random lifestyle hosts/bloggers/new mothers for Major Life Advice, but I guess my reasoning was a bit of this: I’ve seen you build something – Ramshackle Glam – and I know from what you’ve written that you pursued lots of different avenues before settling into where you are now. So I guess I figured that maybe you’d be able to give me some advice?

I think the problem is that we’re all raised to believe we’re exceptional and that we can and should do exceptional things. I mean, how do you know what you are Meant To Do? Are you meant to do it if all the “doors of opportunity” in that direction are closing in your face? 

I know you’re a new mom, and if all you have time for is a “Get yourself together, girl,” I’ll not only perfectly understand, I’ll actually try to, like, you know, get myself together. 

Lots of love,

Meghan*

A. Ah, Meghan, I just woke up and read part of this email to Kendrick while having coffee, and he said, “Huh. That sounds like an email that you would have written three years ago.” To the word. Three years ago, I was working at a job I didn’t even come close to feeling was right for me (or enjoy), applying to grad schools just because I wasn’t sure what else to do, and wondering…you know, “Holy shit, what do I do with my life?” Crying about where things were headed all the time, because I felt like I had been given so many extraordinary opportunities…and then there I was, doing a whole lot of nothing at all.

It’s tough to give concrete advice here because the truth is that when it comes down to it part (not all) of the process of arriving at what you want to do depends on luck, chance, whatever you want to call it – especially when you haven’t set out upon a conventional road (get degree –> get job –> get promotion). But it’s so important to keep your eyes open to the opportunities life throws at you – don’t ignore those bits of luck or twists of fate when they come your way, because they will, especially if you keep pushing yourself to explore different directions. Be open-minded. What you are Meant To Do might be a thing you never even considered…but that thing might make you happier than anything you had ever imagined, so don’t ignore it when it shows up knocking.

I can say that I think going to school is an excellent idea. I did about 1/3 of a Master’s in Hospitality (I know; I was having a crisis, like I said), and while it was a very expensive moment of career confusion that I’ll be paying for for the next, oh, twenty years, it also got me all excited and inspired, and energized me to the point where I was able to see new possibilities…and that time period directly resulted in what I’m doing today.

Keep trying things, and follow through. Did you know that no one follows through? I remember when we were shopping around the pilot for Sunny, no one could believe that we’d actually just gone ahead and done it. Every actor/director/writer we knew was always announcing his or her plans to shoot their own pilot and shop it to networks…but no one did. They just talked about doing it.

It’s one of the great secrets of life: everyone talks and talks about all the things they’re going to do, and very few people actually do them. And those who do just blow everyone away.

Really, I hear you: I know that this feeling of wanting to do something and not knowing how to go about doing it is just crushing. Almost the worst feeling, the sense that you’re wasting time and wasting all those opportunities that you’ve been given. But you’re not, and you haven’t. What you’re going through is an absolutely crucial part of the growing-up process that smart, creative people with enormous dreams and capabilities go through – or at least that’s been my experience from watching those around me.

I don’t want to suggest that I have it all figured out – of course not, not at all. But I do know that I used to feel just as you do, and I also know both that it’s very, very difficult, and that it will not last forever, not if you keep your eyes open to the possibilities around you.

Look: if you didn’t care so much, you wouldn’t feel this way. And it’s because you care that you’ll put in the work to change your situation, and to do great things.

And that’s not making you feel better – that’s just the truth.

Lots of love,

J

*Reader email edited and reprinted with reader permission.

Related:

Save The Assistants: An Interview with Lilit Marcus (plus Career Advice)

Follow My Bliss Interview



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March 1st, 2012 | Best, Love | 12 Comments »

Destination Weddings & Reception-Only Invites

Q. My boyfriend and I just got engaged and are planning on doing a destination wedding with just us two, then one big reception back in the States for both of our families and all of our friends.

I’m wondering if a) you have any cool ideas for locations or wedding packages for our wedding, and b) what your advice would be for breaking it to our families that they aren’t invited to the ceremony – just the reception.

A. I love this idea. If a small, intimate affair is what you’re looking for this is a great way to get the wedding you want while still including your friends and family in the celebration…plus it’s a great way to cut costs if you keep the reception relatively informal.

For a destination wedding, my dream locations would be Turks & Caicos or the Greek Islands, but if you’re looking for something more affordable you might want to consider Cancun (really; if you go at any time other than Spring Break you won’t have a problem with the crazy kids, and you can get spectacular all-inclusive deals) or nearby – and slightly calmer – Cozumel (pictured above during our one-year anniversary trip; we spent quite the afternoon at Senor Frog’s). For more specific info, you might want to head over to Mary Rambin’s blog; she travels to Mexico frequently and has lots of great trip advice.

In terms of breaking it to your families that you’ll be having a private ceremony, the important thing to remember is that while your family’s feelings are of course something to be considered, this is your day, and it’s up to you how you want to do it. And besides, some of your friends and family members may be secretly relieved that you don’t expect them to purchase tickets to an exotic locale.

For most people, the invite will be sufficient to clarify what’s going on – nontraditional weddings are increasingly common these days, so it’s not like they won’t have ever heard of a couple doing this kind of thing. You don’t need to mention the ceremony at all – why bring up an event to which they’re not invited? Instead, try something like this: “_____ and _____ invite you to celebrate their recent marriage with a cocktail reception, to be held at _____.” You may get a few confused emails from those wondering where the ceremony is being held; if that happens, just tell them that you’ve decided to have a private ceremony, but are excited to celebrate the marriage with your family and friends at the reception.

You should be aware going in that some more traditional family members may be upset at the idea that they won’t be able to watch you get married, but hey: a little family drama is pretty much standard-issue for weddings, and when it comes down to it, the drama is nearly always coming from a place of love and a desire to feel included. Just keep the focus on the fun to be had at the reception – not on what an awesome time you’ll be having at the ceremony without them – and you should be good to go.

For more on Island Honeymoons and All-Inclusives, click here.

For more on Wedding Drama, click here.



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January 5th, 2012 | Lifestyle | 7 Comments »

Post-Partum Bridesmaid Etiquette

Q. My good friend is getting married in July, and her closest childhood friend/bridesmaid just announced that she is due two weeks prior to the wedding date. The bridesmaid wants to buy the bridesmaid dress now and insists that she will road-trip 14 hours with her husband and newborn to attend the rehearsal dinner and wedding. This seems unrealistic! 

My friend isn’t sure how to handle this, and as another bridesmaid I want to help. As a new mom and someone who has attended a bunch of weddings, what do you think is the best approach for the bride?

- Cathy

A. The short answer is that your friend’s friend is not going to be at that wedding. Unless she gives birth way early, and even then, she’s probably not going to be at that wedding.

But what you have here is a situation where both parties (let’s call your pregnant friend Jane, and your about-to-be-married friend Sarah) just want to honor an important moment in each other’s life, and that’s a lovely problem to have. The issue, however, is that both of these important moments are absolutely packed with uncertainties, and tend to create piles of stress for all involved. Weddings are notorious for generating heightened emotions, and…well, as I just discovered, having a baby can throw you for quite a loop. Put these two events together, and there is Perfect Storm-level potential for drama.

First, I’d emphasize that ultimately, the decision of whether or not to attend Sarah’s wedding is up to Jane. When I was pregnant (that’s actually me pregnant and in a bridesmaid’s dress on the far right in the above photo), I got lunatic-style pissed-off at anyone who dared to tell me what my body would and would not be capable of doing in the days after birth. Yes, I WILL be able to appear on TV three days later, thankyouverymuch. (Nope.) Host a show the very next week? Absolutely! (No again.)

It’s just very difficult for some women, myself included, to come to terms with the fact that they will simply have to physically slow down a bit after having a child – their bodies just won’t be capable of what they used to be capable of for awhile. And that’s not including the exhaustion, the extremely steep and stressful learning curve that a newborn forces on you, and the enormous emotional issues that can arise. And all this can be extremely distressing for the woman going through it, so sensitivity is a must.

But still: Jane’s been invited to the wedding, she’s been asked to be a bridesmaid, and it’s her decision to make if she wants to wrap herself in taffeta fourteen days (or less; first babies tend to be late) after giving birth. And who knows? Maybe she will be able to do it.

A lot of what to do from there depends on Sarah’s attitude. If she’s pretty relaxed about all things wedding-related, then what I’d suggest is that she let Jane do as she will (buy the dress, make travel arrangements, etc), but make very clear to her that she will understand completely if she ends up being unable to make it. And then she should make arrangements to accommodate Jane’s absence, because like I said: Jane will probably be absent. For example, she should plan her bridesmaid/groomsman pairings assuming Jane won’t be there…and ask the most chilled-out bridesmaid to be willing to make a solo trip down the aisle in the event that Jane shows up. Have two seating plans for the table(s) in question drawn up and given to the caterers. Stuff like that.

If, however, Sarah is a slightly more high-strung bride-to-be, she may not want to leave such things up to chance…and she is 100% within her rights to want to exercise control over the goings-on on her big day. If Jane’s absence would end up causing a big headache (or lots of time/effort/money on Sarah’s part), she should clearly state to Jane that she doesn’t want to put any additional pressure on her during this stressful time, and that in order to make the situation easier for everyone she’d like to honor her by having her do a reading (or something to that effect) if she’s able to attend. This is a task that requires minimal day-of effort, and can easily be passed off to someone else if it’s very important to the bride. Being a bridesmaid is pretty consuming, and despite Jane’s insistence that she wants to be in the wedding party, she may be relieved to be asked to participate in an equally important – but less overwhelming – way.

x

J



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November 29th, 2011 | Home | 4 Comments »

Wedding RSVP: No Space For “Regrets”

Q. Hi Jordan,

I have an etiquette question for you. My cousin is getting married, and sent out an RSVP card with the wedding invitations. There is a spot for my name, and a blank beside the statement “persons will attend.” But there isn’t anything to check whether I will or will not attend. I can’t make it to the wedding, so do I just put 0 for the number of people attending, or write something about regrets off to the side? Help!

Katie

A. Hey Katie!

I can understand your confusion – that’s some pretty awkward phrasing. I’ve received a couple of invites with RSVP cards like that and have been similarly perplexed, but what I’ve done in this situation is write “0″ or “Regrets” in the blank space and then added a brief message alongside saying that I’m sorry that I won’t be able to be there and thanking the couple for inviting me to the wedding.

For those of you who may be hosting an event requiring RSVP cards, there’s really no “right” way to phrase one – you can be as formal or informal as you like – but my favorite format is this:

M__________

( ) Accepts

( ) Declines with Regret

I also like the idea of pre-filling in the name and including “and guest” (if a guest is permitted), to avoid confusion.

x

J



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November 8th, 2011 | Home | 3 Comments »

How To Handle Family Wedding Drama

Q. Hi Jordan,

I have been following your blog for some time and I love it.

I am getting married in a few weeks and all of a sudden there is a circus of family drama coming out of nowhere.  My sisters-in-law-to-be want to run the show and are stamping their feet if they don’t get their way. It’s unbelievable. My fiance is having a hard time because he doesn’t want to upset or disrespect them, but he knows they’re being completely out of line.

How do you handle family wedding drama?! Help!

- Lauren

A. Hey Lauren!

First, congrats on your wedding! And oh, goodness, I’m so sorry about the drama – but if it makes you feel any better, I have yet to hear about a wedding that hasn’t involved a family tussle of some sort.

(more…)



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September 13th, 2011 | Home | 3 Comments »

Graceful Disaster / How To Handle A Shattered Glass

Q. Hi Jordan,

Do you have any suggestions/secrets/tips/tricks for cleaning up broken glass gracefully? I mean, I usually just grab a dustpan and tell everyone to “WATCH OUT!”, but I feel you may have some better etiquette for a hostess to employ.

- Allie

A. I have both been the breaker and the cleaner-upper many, many times, and it’s true: you’d think it’d be the one who shattered the glass who’s mortified, but they’re probably a sheet or two to the wind, and mini-disasters of this sort are often just as embarrassing for the hostess, who wants her guests to feel comfortable and relaxed. Fortunately, you’re probably starting from a place where the primary goal of everyone involved is to make sure that the other party is happy…and that’s a good jumping-off point for pretty much any potentially awkward situation.

If you’re The Hostess:

The Goal: To minimize awkwardness and return to a party at which your guests (all of them – even the glass-breaker) feel festive and comfortable as quickly as possible.

Do: Focus on making your guest feel better immediately: allow them to help you clean up if they insist, but be speedy about it and get them sitting down again with a fresh glass of whatever in their hand ASAP. Even if your heart is breaking over what’s been broken, this is really not a great time to show it; be as dismissive about the mishap as possible in front of your guests, and remember that it was your choice to throw a party…and to call glassware with the potential to break your heart into action.

Don’t: Ask your guest to replace the glass. And if they offer, decline. Like I said, part of throwing a party is accepting that there may be a little fallout, and I never use glasses that I’d cry over if I have more than four people around my table, because too many elbows = near-certain disaster. (In fact, for larger parties I just skip the breakables entirely and go for pretty plastic cups – yes, they exist.) If they replace it anyway…well, that’s lovely of them, and you should accept the gesture and be happy that you have such a fabulously well-mannered friend.

If you’re The Klutz:

The Goal: To let your hostess know that you’re sorry for the mishap while keeping drama at a minimum (in other words, not bringing the entire party to a complete standstill by running around with paper towels and shouting out apologies for the next hour).

Do: Say that you’re sorry and help to clean up the mess, but don’t keep apologizing all night long; this just makes everything even more awkward. Once the glass is in the trash, consider the matter closed. That said, if the glass looks particularly expensive or special, you may want to replace it. I think it’s an even more gracious gesture to send on a replacement without asking the hostess if she’d like you to (since she’ll probably decline; see above), but if you can’t locate a match, consider just sending her a bottle of wine or a small gift with a note that says something like “Since that one was was on you(r floor), this one’s on me!”

Don’t: Sit back, relax, and watch your hostess scrub the floorboards on her own. Even if she says not to help her, at least make an effort to assist in wrangling the problem.

One more thing: if the spillage resulted in grievous damage (red wine on a white couch, say), you should definitely at least offer to pay for a cleaning. (Also, if you are hosting a party and you own a white couch: please, for the love of god, don’t serve red wine.)



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August 31st, 2011 | Home | 5 Comments »

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