Q. Hi Jordan!
Etiquette question: my husband and i did not sign up for a wedding registry and we made sure to tell people to please refrain from getting us gifts. Will people be offended if we don’t deposit their checks? Also, my mother in law got us HIDEOUS CHINA – the biggest set of china ever. Can we stash it in the attic and forget about it?
A. First, let’s talk “No Gifts” policies. While the intention behind them is absolutely noble (“your presence in our lives is the gift”), they still raise two issues: 1) Technically, you’re not supposed to “expect” wedding gifts, and traditional etiquette rules hold that addressing the gift issue at all is rude (I’m not actually on board with this one; I think that most guests will appreciate some direction when it comes to gifts – just put the registry information or “In lieu of gifts…” request on your wedding website rather than on the actual invitation – or spread the news by word of mouth), and 2) Even if you elope, some people will get you gifts anyway.
Guaranteed. And I am certain of this because…I would. If a close friend got married and asked me not to get them a present, I may skew towards inexpensive/handmade, but I would absolutely feel compelled to give them something.
Maybe those who insist on giving you a gift will do this because they feel that it’s “wrong” to not get a newly married couple a token to celebrate their union, because they don’t believe that anyone wouldn’t be thrilled with a little extra cash to start their new life, or just because they really, really want to show you that they love you and support your wedding…but any way you slice it, it’s coming from a good place in their hearts, and that’s something you should try to honor and express gratitude for.
So while it might feel like not depositing the checks is the right thing to do since you expressly said that you didn’t want anything, I wouldn’t advise this. Like I said, the gifts were coming from a good place, and people can be very sensitive about having their generosity rejected, so my honest advice is to be grateful, deposit the checks, and write the gift-givers a very sweet thank-you card expressing how much you appreciate their support (and not mentioning the fact that you didn’t ask for anything). If you’re still uncomfortable accepting the money, donate it to a charity of your choice…but again, keep that to yourself, because the gift-givers intended the money for you and may be insulted if they find out that you’ve given it away.
Now, your mother-in-law’s gift: I say go ahead and stash that china in the attic…but do it carefully, because you’ll need to bring out (and gush over) a few pieces whenever she comes over for dinner. If she comes over all the time, consider storing away the bulk of the plates (if she wonders about them, say that you’re keeping them safe for special occasions) and pulling a couple of the serving pieces into regular rotation – an ugly gravy boat never killed anyone.
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