On this site, I avoid the topic of diets and nutrition as much as possible. This is mostly because, as I’ve said, there are tons of places out there on the Internet that discuss exercise, nutrition, and what-have-you…but this isn’t one of them; I’m much more interested in chatting about fabulous burgers than I am in discussing the nuances of arm curls. I’ve also been fairly vocal about my discomfort with the idea of cleanses (and, honestly, diets in general), because my instincts just say that they’re bad for you: I feel like they’re dangerously restrictive, screw with your metabolism…and don’t really effect long-term change either in weight or in eating habits.
My only experience with doing a cleanse was in LA: I had a bunch of friends who were on the Master Cleanse, and decided to try it for myself, just to see if it really would make me feel as renewed and amazing as everyone said. To do the Master Cleanse, you spend several days (one friend of mine did 30, and I’m surprised he’s still alive) ingesting nothing but water spiked with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, and occasionally doing “Salt Water Flushes” (yick). I know some people say it works for them and makes them feel “just fabulous!”…but I think they’re lying. Or being delusional.
Nothing about the Master Cleanse made me feel anything close to fabulous. By the third day, I was literally hallucinating, and had dropped about seven pounds from a frame that did not benefit from pound-dropping (even though I added extra maple syrup, as they advise you to do if you’re not trying to lose weight…big eye roll). I looked like the Wicked Witch of the West, and I acted like I was high. I met with a friend for tea (I’m sorry: hot water with lemon), and she more or less did an intervention and took me directly to a restaurant and shoved solid food down my throat. My personal opinion: if you’re feeling less-than-great, cut out the alcohol and caffeine and eat a little “cleaner” for a few days (lean proteins, vegetables, that kind of thing), until you feel your energy levels return to normal.
But.
A few months ago I received a gift bag at an event that included a three-day subscription to Blueprint Cleanse. And today, my shipment is arriving.
That’s right.
Why? Seriously, WHY?! I’ll tell you. Because when I was at NS, the other girls frequently talked about how much they loved cleanses in general, and Blueprint specifically. I declined to try the product both because I don’t believe in cleanses, and because I felt that I would have been unable to provide a completely unbiased opinion on a product that was so important to my coworkers (no one said that I was obligated to give a positive review; that’s just how I felt).
Now, I don’t feel any such bias or obligation. And I’m curious. I’m such an impulse eater (what I want when I want it) that the idea of restricting myself to what I “must” eat drink for three entire days is just soul-crushing…but I want to know the truth about these cleanses, and about how they work. I want you to know the truth. In the spirit of Super Size Me, I think it’ll make for some interesting content for someone who’s totally opposed to the entire concept of cleanses to tell you what it really feels like to do one.
That’s not to say that I’m on any kind of vendetta (I’m certainly not equating Blueprint – or any cleanse – to McDonalds in terms of what it does to your body). I’m simply interested in giving you an honest, unbiased opinion on a fairly polarizing issue. And the truth is I’m feeling pretty sluggish lately, and have been over-indulging a bit in recent weeks…so if I end up liking the process and the results, I’ll tell you. I’ll also tell you if I don’t.
Here’s what I think will happen:
- Day 1 (today; the shipment arrives this afternoon): I will feel hungry and grumpy, but sort of excited about the challenge (and for me this is a major, major challenge). I will take all of this out on Kendrick.
- Day 2: I will cheat by sneaking a bite of Kendrick’s dinner or eating something that I can rationalize is sort of “clean-ish” (or, more likely, whatever’s in my refrigerator) when nobody’s around. I will be embarrassed to confess my total lack of willpower to you, but will anyway, because that’s the point of this semi-ridiculous experiment.
- Day 3: I will totally give up and head straight to Two Boots.
We’ll see!
UPDATE: I was planning to start halfway through today (the delivery arrived at 3) and sort of improvise, ending halfway through Saturday…but I just checked the site and they say not to do that. I figure if I’m going to do an experiment, I might as well do it right, so tomorrow AM it is.
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