Last night we went to see a movie in a completely empty theater. This was an excellent thing, because I screamed – SCREAMED – my way through about 60% of it. And I’m usually more of an occasional yelper than a screamer.
Piranha 3D is maybe the simplest movie I’ve ever seen. It’s almost certainly the most grotesque movie I’ve ever seen. It’s positively pornographic (look for the really really (really) long girl-on-girl mermaid scene), and its humor is ridiculously juvenile. Watching this movie is like calling in sick to work, eating an entire box of doughnuts, drinking a 6-pack of cheap beer, and dancing around to Britney Spears before settling in for a little America’s Funniest Home Videos with a stack of Archies propping up your feet. And you know what that sounds like to me? FUN.
It will absolutely be considered by some to be the lowest of the low: an irredeemable, disgusting, obvious, dumb piece of trash. But I think that the people who will disregard this movie are probably pretty enamored of their own sophistication, and likely don’t believe that entertainment for entertainment’s sake has a real place in the world. Which is to say, lots of people I don’t particularly want to hang out with will insist that it’s a bad movie, refusing to allow any further discussion of the matter.
It is not a bad movie. I am not joking one little bit when I say that I think that Piranha 3D is a freaking masterpiece. Look, obviously it’s not Braveheart, Shawshank Redemption, Silence of the Lambs – it’s not even Seven – but it’s not trying to be. It clearly puts forth the thesis that boobs and guts are pretty damn entertaining…and you know what? They are. I could say that it’s tongue-in-cheek, but I wouldn’t call it a wink; I’d call it a billboard with the words, “Isn’t this awesome?!” printed across it in huge red letters. This movie is exactly what a movie called “Piranha 3D” should be…and as these kinds of films go, this is as good as it gets.
P.S. You can buy the poster pictured above HERE.
