| Me and My Bikyni and My Pretzel |
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I’ve never been the kind of person who has more than one or two swimsuits that I actually wear, because my life has – at least for the past few years – not been especially pool- or ocean-inclusive.
The number of swimsuits I own, though?
Oh, so many.
There is, at this very moment, a massive box of decade-old swimsuits that apparently escaped my KonMari-ing sitting on the floor of my closet. These swimsuits include the following:
- A one-piece silver suit with a thong back and a neckline that goes down to approximately my belly button. It is wildly evocative of Elizabeth Berkeley’s character in Showgirls, was a gift from my friend Melissa, and has obviously never even come close to being worn…and yet I have held onto the thing for years because the fact that I own an item of clothing like this makes me feel good about life. Also maybe one day I will be Jane Fonda for Halloween.
- A pink bedazzled bikini approximately the size of a fortune cookie that Francesca made me buy because we were 25 and she said that I should take advantage of my butt while it looked like that. To be clear, my butt looks approximately the same now as it did then – which is to say: not terrible as butts go, but certainly not a butt that must be taken advantage of in fortune-cookie-sized-bikini form – but again, this swimsuit falls under the category of Things That Make Me Happy To Own. Also maybe one day I will be a sort of Hawaiian I Dream Of Jeannie for Halloween. (Note: Obviously if this costume ever occurs it will include things like chiffon leggings as opposed to bedazzled bikinis, but moving on.)
- A bikini that I bought at Target and that I wore while hanging out with Kendrick poolside during the first weekend that he stayed with me, and which is for-real falling apart but which I also cannot put on without him getting all “well helloooo there.”
- A grandma-panty-ish black-and-white 1950s-style bikini from that summer when Taylor Swift wore one and everyone else including me decided they were a good idea, too.
- A Very Sensible One-Piece with low-cut legs and ribbing and supportive elements that I will never in my life actually choose to put on, but which I also will not toss because you never know: one day you may need to greet the President while wearing a bathing suit.
Tl;dr: my swimsuit situation could use a little work.
Especially because nowadays, my life – surprisingly, and excitingly – is very much oriented around things like pools and beaches; from May through September I’m in a bathing suit twice a week at minimum. (For reals, I’m practically Kate Bosworth in Blue Crush over here, minus the extreme athleticism and glamour and virtually everything except for the fact that she is blonde and wearing a bathing suit.)
This also means that I have an entire new wardrobe category to start fleshing out, and I am totally cool with justifying my new purchases with the fact that I no longer especially need to own more than a handful of things like sweaters and coats and gloves. (I mean, bathing suits consist of like 1/100th of the square footage of coats, and should be priced accordingly. The fact that they’re not is annoying. But not especially deterring.)
The newest addition to my massive non-KonMari-ed swimsuit box: this bikini from Bikyni (hee), which I have to tell you about because it is great. I first became aware of the company through a friend, and am now a massive fan; they’re extremely well-made, universally flattering, minimalist suits that are a nice antidote to all the bells and whistles and cutouts and such that are out there right now. I’ve always wanted a simple simple simple triangle bikini that fits perfectly, and this is it.
I am so happy I have my silver thong bathing suit. I am even happier that I don’t actually have to wear it. Thank you, Bikyni. Thank you.
