Aging is an interesting thing.
It’s something that I’m thinking about more and more as I’m moving towards my mid-thirties, both in more abstract “am I happy with where things are” ways and in more superficial “where did that extra wrinkle come from” ways. I’m not scared of aging, not exactly – mostly because if there’s one thing these past few years have taught me is that life is capable of throwing some serious never-saw-them-coming surprises your way, and that’s an exciting thing to look forward to – but I do think about it, what watching my face and body grow older will make me feel like inside.
I wonder whether I’ll feel like I’ve lost something I care about, or whether I’ll feel like every line is a gift of years spent with my family. I wish I was certain that I would love every wrinkle, view every sign of age as a marker of where I’ve been rather than a reminder of places I don’t necessarily want to (but will, of course) go. Mostly I worry that I’ll be angry that things are no longer the way they were, because the way they were was wonderful. I worry that I’ll miss my unlined skin…but most of all I worry I’ll miss how my life used to be. I worry that I’ll miss my baby.
I so want to be that woman who walks bravely into her future…but I don’t know if I am. Yet.
I suppose I’ll find out.
As for that more superficial side of the aging process: something I’ve noticed over the past few years is that, as I grow older, I’m much more interested in less: less makeup, less fuss, fewer products, fewer ingredients. As an example, I noticed a couple of years ago that my beloved dark lower-lid eyeliner – a look that I discovered in college and wore nearly every day for a decade – just didn’t work on me the way it used to. Something about the heavy lines pulled down my face, made me look tired. Older than I was.
And so I changed. Even though I can be a creature of habit when it comes to makeup, I decided to make a few small tweaks to my routine that made me feel…lighter. Better. More like me…or at least the “right-now” me.
And then, a few days ago, I went out on a date night…and something about the idea of wandering the city after dark with Kendrick, popping into tattoo parlors and pizza places and doing things we used to do so often but really don’t do all that much anymore…I suppose, just for a night, it felt good – exciting – to get back to the way things were. Not forever. Just for a few hours. And so I took out my dark liner, and I drew circles around my eyes.
Kendrick noticed. He said he hadn’t seen me look that way in years. And I don’t think he meant it either positively or negatively – it was just an observation – but I loved that he said that. Maybe I just loved that he saw me.
Am I going to go back to the old heavy-eye-makeup days? Nah. Not often, anyway. I still like looking a little more lightened up; it’s what feels better for me right now.
But sometimes? Sometimes it’s not about “looking older” or “looking younger”…it’s just about looking exactly the way you want to look, eyeliner and all.
{ Follow along on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook }
{ Subscribe to the RG YouTube channel }
