What can I say? She’s committed to her craft.
I mean, you kind of have to respect the sheer volume of effort my daughter put into this. She didn’t just slap that diaper cream on; she applied it. Thoroughly.
So after I laughed at the sight of my marshmallow-child – because really, when things like this happen there is nothing else you can do (besides, of course, take a photograph to show your husband so that he believes you when you tell him exactly how bad your day was) – I started the extremely long process of figuring out what the hell to do when your one-year-old paints herself from head to toe with a product that is specifically formulated to repel moisture.
First I got her undressed, which was its own undertaking, because that onesie was so full of Balmex that it was basically standing up on its own.
Then I got peed on (but I think that was in retribution for the laughing, so we’ll just let that one go).
Then I got us both into the bath to see what shampoo would do, because you never know. The answer, as it turns out, is literally nothing.
So: Google. The short answer that I gleaned from the several posts I read with parents asking a similar question is that this really just kind of sucks. But I scrolled through the forums anyway, enjoying helpful commentary such as “WUT YOU BABY DOING PUTTING ON HER OWN DAMN DIAPER CREM YOU A IDIOT.” Oh, Internet. Oh, comments.
A bunch of posts suggested dish soap (Dawn, specifically). Which isn’t really something you want to be putting on your baby’s head, but desperate times (what I did was soak a washcloth with a soap and water solution so it didn’t get on her face or in her eyes). Except that also did not work.
Other things that did not work:
– Repeated toweling
– Baby powder
– Combing
– Patting with paper towels
– Sixteen baths
– Generalized despair
What actually did end up working (and THANK YOU to everyone on Instagram who suggested this): olive oil. This morning, after changing her sheets (again), I rubbed a whole bunch into her hair, let it sit for awhile, and then followed up with more dish soap, and it seems to be…well, if not “back to normal” at least “going in the right direction.”
So there you go. If this happens to you, now you know what to do. You also know not to leave the diaper cream next to the crib. (You’re welcome.)
